Heartlogic

Our heart follows its own logic, which is no less stringent than rational logic. This logic leads us to betray ourselves out of love, ignorance or misunderstandings.

This self-betrayal persists until we get aware of it and understand the reasons why we did it. Only then can we forgive ourselves. Self-forgiveness opens the way to inner truth and self-truth.

"...and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." (John 8:32)

Our charisma will benefit from the inner freedom and authenticity we have gained. Those who follow this path will understand the logic of the heart. It is a psychological logic:

We would rather betray ourselves than confront our parents with their limitations.

We betray ourselves out of love for others.

We betray ourselves because we misunderstood our parents' limitations as a lack of love - and we still do it with our hearts (!), not mentally.

We betray ourselves because of a misunderstanding.

Some of us have a very difficult time accepting in our hearts (!) that our parents are not perfect. I think all children idealize their parents at the beginning of life. If disillusionment comes too soon, they refuse to accept it and end up in an eternal battle with themselves and with their parents.

We betray ourselves because of a lack of understanding.

Because the psychological pain being so big, we have developed avoidance strategies so that it hurts less. Many of these avoidance strategies begin within a split second with a thought. This is how beliefs arise.

We betray ourselves out of self-protection, out of love for ourselves.

I observed the following hierarchy of pain avoidance strategies:

1. It's easier to act out feelings than to endure them. Destroying furniture, crying hysterically loudly, cheating, throwing yourself into work are ways to avoid enduring feelings. Sport is also sometimes reduced to such an avoidance strategy.

2. It is easier to throw yourself into activities than to feel pain.

3. It is easier to think than to feel pain. We escape into thinking, we like to rationalize our feelings and start endless discussions - whether at home or on social media. And we have to be right; otherwise we would have to endure our feelings.

4. It is easier to blame and judge others than to feel pain.

5. It is easier to feel outrage than to feel pain.

6. It is easier to show solidarity with victims than to feel own pain. Selective victim perception is a pain avoidance strategy. 

7. It's easier to feel anger than pain and guilt. If we stop and feel instead of judging, we will likely feel anger first. It is the anger that we tried to cover up with discussions and wanting to be right.

8. It is easier to feel anger than the pain of being abandoned. When I ask where the anger comes from, the first thing I find is a feeling of 'being abandoned'. 

This basic feeling of being abandoned is experienced differently by each one: some feel rejected, thrown away, unimportant, transformed to an object or not seen. In order not to have to feel all of this, we prefer to get angry.

Some of us were physically abandoned (parents' divorce, even death are processed psychologically by children as being abandoned). Others were emotionally abandoned.  

The absence of fathers during World War II was discussed by Mitscherlich ("Towards a fatherless society"). But the inner absence in the family, the fact that people are unavailable for relationships, is as old as humanity: people in pain, especially when that pain is not seen, cannot be there for others.

Mothers often suffer from not being able to be emotionally present for their children; they try to make up for it with cooking and other household chores.

9. It is easier to feel the pain of being abandoned than of being unloved. 

When I ask what hurts more, being abandoned or being unloved, the answer is almost always: being unloved.

The child's heart 'translates' the inner or actual absence of the parents with: "They don't love me, otherwise they would be there for me".

But that is unbearable, that's why they develop the belief: They left me, didn't see me, rejected me, threw me away and the like.

10.  It is easier to feel the pain of being unloved than to feel unlovable.
    
    I have observed that it is more painful for people to feel unlovable than to feel unloved. 

That's why, children, as well as adults, when they feel unloved, they immediately conclude: It's because of me, I'm not lovable, otherwise they would love me.

11. It's easier to feel unlovable than to feel worthless.
    
    When we feel unlovable, we often find behind it a feeling of being worthless. Some feel it is an existential annihilation, as if they have no right to life.
    
    If the mechanism that led to this belief is exposed, it will be easier for many people to let it go. However, some people find it difficult to admit that they were wrong all along.

12. It's easier to stay in the pain, to be worthless, and to blame others than to admit that you were wrong all along.
    
    Do you want to be right or happy? Many people would rather be right than be happy. Usually, people want to be right, to avoid feeling pain and disappointment. It is easier to suffer than to admit being wrong.

13. But sometimes it's just our ego that wants to be right. At this point, humor often helps to laugh at yourself and let go of old things.

Note: In step 7, I sometimes feel that the pain is NOT because the client feels worthless, but because the mother or father couldn't help but behave in such an unloving way.

It is a pain for the parents in their distress. It is a pain of love. When this love becomes visible, it also gives the strength to let go of the old pattern..